embracing gray.
Nearly five months ago I stopped dying my hair. It was July 7th, and after I rinsed the color from my hair for the last time I went to pick up a rental car downtown, my hair still wet, ready to leave first thing in the morning. Two weeks earlier I’d had an entirely different plan, and yet on July 8th I drove away from Denver alone and headed west towards a very spontaneous new life. June had been tumultuous in the way you can’t expect until it’s suddenly happening to you, and I had no idea that the next month would somehow, unexplainably, just-when-you-think-things-can’t-get-worse, hold even more tumult.
Another month later my plans veered again and I found myself on a new coast in new lighting, noticing more and more strands of gray growing in. It had been years since I’d gone more than five or six weeks without dying them, and here I was right at the mark where I’d usually give in and cover them up. I’d seen accounts of gorgeous women on Instagram, young women, who had full heads of stunning gray hair. I didn’t want to cover them up anymore. So I decided not to.
It’s been almost five months now and most days I still question what the fuck I’m doing. When you stop dying your very-gray hair, you become extra sensitive to just how stigmatized it is for a young person to have gray hair. Some days I feel incredibly self-conscious and can’t quite believe what I’ve done, other days I find it fascinating to see what I look like with strands of lighter hair after having dark hair my entire life. Every day I remind myself that hair color does not determine our worth. Our bodies do not determine our worth.
It was a decision that I had pondered for a long time and I don’t think it could have come at another time, in another month, in another year. It was an active decision in a time when almost everything felt out of my control. It was grasping hold of my own independence at a time when I felt intensely victimized. It was a “fuck you” to the patriarchy and a “hell yes” to myself, to my life. Measuring the days I’ve survived since a tumultuous early summer in gray hair growth.
